Conflict can occur in any relationship, and the longer you’re together, the increased likelihood that you’ll find situations in which you’re upset with your partner. It happens to even the happiest couples.
Still, the less conflict a relationship has, the better, and that often means examining the causes of the conflict and trying to get an idea of why the conflict occurs. One area that often gets a lot of attention, and rightfully so, is in the expectations one partner has for the other. We have to determine if these expectations are fair or realistic, and then find ways to communicate what we really need.
We Want Our Partner to Be Us
One challenge that often occurs is a situation where we want our partner to, essentially *be* us:
- We want them to be good at the things we’re good at.
- We want them to care about the things we care about.
- We want them to see the world the same way we do.
This isn’t entirely unfair (more on that in a moment), but it’s also a thought process that has to be examined. Partnerships are made up of two different individuals – individuals that think differently, are good at different things, and were raised in different ways.
When we choose a partner, we do want someone that will support us. There’s nothing wrong with desiring a partner that will help us through our challenges, take on some of our mental load, and do for us the same things we can do for them. These are all reasonable requests.
And yet, we also have to acknowledge that “supporting us” and “doing it exactly like we do and caring about it exactly the same amount we do” is not the same.
For example, we can find that one partner may have past trauma that makes them perfectionists in house cleaning. They have a drive, energy, and care to make a bathroom spotless, and also experience distress if there is anything that looks dirty.
This person can ask a partner for help. The partner, who does not have that trauma and is not a perfectionist, may clean the bathroom in a way they think and feel is very clean (because they are trying to support their partner) but they aren’t quite as good at hitting every spot and miss things, forget things, or do not experience the same distress if there are dirty areas.
This type of situation becomes a source of conflict. While it is fair for one partner to expect another to help them, maybe even learn to be more detailed and caring with their help, we also have to remember that they are not us. They do not have the same traumas, background, or training. They don’t see the world the way we do and may not process things the same way we do.
We can realistically expect help. We can ask for improvement if a person is lacking.
But in life, we also have to remember and understand that they are a different person. They have skills and talents they’re good at. We have skill and talents we’re good at. That’s okay. We have to make sure we’re not looking for our skills and talents in a partner, and rather acknowledge that it’s acceptable in a relationship for one partner to be better at things than us.
Conflict is complicated. We deserves to have our needs heard and met, but we also have to recognize that our relationships are made up of two different people – and all that truth entails. If you and your partner have been struggling with conflict recently, please reach out today.