Relationships are complex. When a relationship is struggling, we often look towards couples counseling to see if it can repair communication, break cycles, and more.
Yet, every relationship is made up of two distinct individuals – individuals that have their own needs, their own wants, their own history, and their own mental health. In the context of couple therapy, we can talk as much as we want about communication, for example, but we cannot expect to see changes if the person has unresolved traumas.
We can support a couple, but we also need to support each individual.
That is where Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can also help. Used appropriately, EMDR may be a useful complement to couples therapy, provided one or both of the partners is the right candidate.
What is EMDR?
EMDR is an extensively researched, evidence based approach to therapy that is used to treat trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Studies have shown that when a person experiences trauma, the severe stress of the events fragments the memories in other parts of the brain rather than in the part of the brain where a person typically processes events and memories. The result is that, at least in the brain, the event is still happening.
EMDR uses a series of eye movements, memory targeting, and therapist support to grab onto those fragmented memories, reduce their intensity, and start moving them into the normal processing channels. This therapy is extraordinarily effective for many people struggling with traumas, so much so that it has changed the way many therapists approach mental health.
The Standard Focus of Couples Therapy and Integration with EMDR
EMDR is an individual service. But many people find that they need individual help to improve their ability to have a successful relationship.
Couples therapy often involves things like communications skills training, breaking negative cycles, problem solving, and similar needs.
Yet, despite all this training, some partners find that they’re not able to break the cycle – no matter how much they try to develop new skills. They feel stuck in their emotions and easily triggered into distress or anger.
The problem is not always the process itself. Instead, it may be that the person has unprocessed past experiences that have led to a trauma response.
When someone has these past traumas, they may:
- React strongly to a partner’s behavior, like raising their voice or being distant.
- Experience fears of abandonment, rejection, or other insecurity.
- Find themselves with negative core beliefs, like “I am unlovable.”
They may allow these emotions and feelings to also dictate their own behavior. For example, a person with a trauma-induced fear of abandonment may frequently seek reassurance and test their partner in ways that hurt the relationship. Couples therapy alone may not be able to break this cycle if there is trauma that is affecting how a person responds to their partner.
Integrating EMDR, then, may have substantial benefits:
- It can de-escalate reactive patterns. By processing the memories behind a partner’s hyper-reactivity (e.g., rage, panic), they can respond to their partner more calmly from a place of present safety.
- It can heal attachment injuries. Should there be any betrayals or related pain in the current or past relationships, EMDR can help reduce their power so that the person can move forward.
- It can quiet negative thought patterns. Reprocessing memories that led to beliefs like “I’m not good enough” allows partners to engage from a place of self-worth rather than insecurity.
It can also help the couple understand each other further. Not only will one partner be receiving support for their trauma, but the other partner – if desired – can learn more about that person and understand them on a deeper level as they work through their traumatic histories.
Two Separate but Complementary Therapies
EMDR and couples therapy are not technically related. But a person’s mental health is complex. There may be situations where one partner, or both, is trying to process trauma and heal a relationship.
Addressing these concurrently can have amazing benefits. If there are other individual issues affecting the relationship, like anxiety or depression, those can also be a part of the couples counseling experience as well. You can work on yourself as an individual while also addressing your needs as a couple.
If you’re looking for EMDR or couples counseling on Long Island, reach out to South Shore Counseling, today.